Tired
by Anna3422
Summary: A conversation between Lucy and Peter set before The Last Battle. Fairly sad.


This is my first fanfiction. Reviews are very welcome, but please be kind.

It takes place during the Christmas holidays, before The Last Battle. Lucy and Edmund are still at boarding school, and Peter has been away at university, so he hasn't seen them in awhile. Lucy has a little more angst than how I usually imagine her, but the idea was to show her in a weak moment, and I do think that the transition from Narnia to Earth would be hardest for her.

I guess I'm also supposed to put a disclaimer, although it seems kind of redundant. C.S. Lewis was the genius who invented these books/characters, and they belong to him, not me (or the movies).

* * *

"Have you seen the professor?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, "but tell me about yourself."

Peter was lying in his old bed next to his youngest sister in the room that he had used to share with Edmund. He had come home for Christmas to find a much older and tireder family than the one the remembered, a house where everyone now spoke to each other as adults. But even at seventeen, Lucy still allowed herself to be petted and babied, and she never tired of staying up late to share secrets.

"Nothing interesting has happened to me," she said impatiently. "Tell me what you're studying."

Something in her voice made Peter press the subject.

"And you're happy at school?" he questioned. To his surprise, she gave a frustrated sigh and rolled onto her side.

For a moment, she gazed out the window, biting her lip and said, "Oh it's alright, I suppose." Then, realizing that this wasn't the entire truth, she added, "I don't know if I can do this, Peter."

Concern registered in Peter's voice as he said, "Do what?"

"I can't pretend to live out my life like a normal person, as if-" She trailed off uncertainly, not knowing how much to say. She could see Peter nod in understanding as she tried to explain.

"I get homesick," she amended. "It wasn't so bad when we were younger and could talk about it together, but it's been six years. It's harder to talk to people than it used to be and now it's as if the things that mattered most of all never even happened. It's lonely."

"But you're loved here, just as much as in Narnia," he reminded her gently.

"I know that." She smiled as she thought of her parents and relatives and friends. "And I love everyone too. Really, I do, but that makes it all the more difficult.

'And I have to lie," she added bitterly. "I've had to learn how and I hate it. Nearly every day I have to pretend something that isn't true and I'm sure I do a terrible job. The worst of it is at school."

While she spoke, Peter put a comforting arm around her. "If there's another problem at school . . ." he began hesitantly.

"That's just the trouble," she answered. "There isn't. Everything is fine and interesting and lovely. And I would normally enjoy it. But then when I should be happiest I find myself wishing for a way to go back to Narnia." She stopped there, hoping that she hadn't upset her brother. She had confided more than she had originally intended to and he was bound to worry now. She turned her head to see that he was looking at her sadly.

"After all this time?" he murmured. She nodded and he tightened his hold on her.

"I used to feel that way, you know," he said. "When we first came back and I had to go from being a king to being a child again. Edmund too; we all felt it."

Lucy smiled sadly at the memory. "You were better at hiding it than I was," she admitted.

"It was difficult," he persisted. "I was like you. I missed our country and our subjects. I was afraid for them. I hated having to pretend that they didn't exist and accepting that I had so much less power to change things. The war should have ended sooner for one thing."

Lucy nodded in agreement. "But you feel better now," she stated.

"Aslan must want us here now," he said simply. "I try to trust that and it helps me to keep going the way I would if I were still king. We already have so many memories of what we did in Narnia. They should be enough for me. For you too. You're still Queen Lucy the Valiant," he finished in a hopeful whisper.

"I don't feel very valiant anymore," she replied.

Peter fell silent and followed her gaze out the window. There, they watched the distant stars that hovered over the house and backyard obscured by clouds and the fog from street lamps, both of them remembering the brilliant Narnian skies. The nights had been darker then. The distances to travel had been longer. And the stars had been close and varied in appearance, with constellations to guide even the most confused travellers.

"I always used to watch for the leopard," she remembered aloud. "It was so easy to see . . . Like a god of the night sky."

"Mm, all the stars could be seen from our castle. It used to be a job for me and Su, persuading you to come in at night."

"From the seas too," she whispered warmly. "Even at the edge of the world there were still the same stars. I don't know if we told you about that."

"You are so lucky," he answered. Then, "It seems ridiculous that I lived in Narnia all those years and just took it on principle that the world was round."

Lucy giggled quietly. "Or the years that we grew older, without realizing that we'd have to do it all over again."

"That was the trick to Narnian time," he said. "I won't tell my math professor."

"But you could tell Professor Kirke." She turned over onto her back again. "It makes me wonder now what sort of-" She broke off suddenly at the sound of footsteps. A light turned on in the hallway and a door creaked open a little.

"Goodnight Susan," Lucy called out softly. Peter craned his neck to see his sister looking in on them. She was made-up, her hair curled and her face powdered white, like a grown-up woman's.

"You went out again?" he asked her.

"Oh. Yes." Susan gave a false laugh. "Miss Wilcox invites us to so many things." She pushed her hair back tiredly. "It would be rude not to go." She crept a little closer to the door.

"What were you talking about?" she asked curiously.

Peter sat up slightly. "The old days," he said. "Narnia."

To his surprise, Susan's expression changed. Instead of looking pleased, she looked crossly at Lucy. "Oh, Lu! You aren't still going on about that, are you?" she admonished. "You really shouldn't encourage it, Peter," she returned her attention to him. "She's been playing these games about Narnia all holiday. It's gotten quite childish."

A tense silence descended on the room. Striving to keep calm, he asked, "Don't you remember Narnia, Su?"

Susan shifted uncomfortably. "Of course I do," she answered. "Goodness knows, we all had such wild imaginations back then." She paused and waited, but Peter found that he couldn't speak. After a minute, she realized that the conversation was over and said hurriedly,

"It's good to see you again. Goodnight Peter."

He mumbled a goodnight back to her.

Susan waited and then said, "Don't stay up too long, Lu." She retreated back into the hallway and the door clicked shut.

Peter tried to calm his thoughts as he listened to her walk away. When he found his voice, he asked Lucy, "How long?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "Since school let out." Her voice broke mid-sentence and he realized that she was crying.

"Oh Aslan," she whispered. "Aslan."

Peter wrapped his arms around her and hugged her to him while she sobbed quietly. After a time, he realized that he too was crying and had taken up the chant of "Aslan."

There was comfort in saying the name and Lucy made a point of breathing it in until it finally carried her to sleep.

It was several hours before the door opened again.

"Close the window before we hear the neighbours get up. And don't bother me if I sleep past noon tomorrow."

"It might help if you went to bed," said Peter mildly.

"It might." Edmund's shadowy figure collapsed onto the opposite bed. "Hullo, Lu," he mumbled tiredly.

"She's asleep," Peter informed him.

Edmund yawned and yanked the blankets up around his chin. "Just as well," he said absently.

Peter hesitated and then said, "I didn't realize she was so unhappy."

Edmund didn't answer for a few minutes. At last he muttered, "Yeah. I think she is." Peter sighed and fidgeted restlessly. He stopped when Lucy stirred in her sleep.

On an abrupt note, Edmund asked, "Did you see Susan, this evening?"

"Yeah."

Peter paused, took a deep breath and then asked in a slightly choked voice, "What happened to her?"

There was a long silence. He started to wonder if his brother was already asleep, but eventually Edmund said, "I don't know."

"I can't believe it."

"You should," Edmund told him grimly. "Lu's been taking it badly. You weren't there, but - " He trailed off. "You should have seen them argue on our first day home. It was when - Well, it was when we first realized that Su thinks of Narnia as a silly game."

"She can't really have forgotten," Peter said incredulously. He wondered if it made a difference that he hadn't been there. "I'm sure there's another reason."

"There are probably hundreds," said Edmund without enthusiasm. "I just never thought I'd hear Lucy and Susan fight that way.

"Anyhow, I tried to break them up, but I'm running out of ideas." He closed the window absently. "I really don't want to hear the neighbours," he added.

Peter looked back down at Lucy, who was still curled up next to him. Small wonder that she had felt upset earlier, although she looked much happier now.

"I'm glad you're back."

It was uncharacteristic for Edmund to say something like that, and Peter looked startled. He thought to say something kind in return, but realized that it would only make his brother uncomfortable. By the time he had decided to ask who Miss Wilcox was, Edmund was already asleep.

Peter tried to get comfortable, but found that he was too restless to sleep. Instead he lay there for a long time, looking at the smoky London sky and wondering what had happened to his family.

* * *

*Recently re-read this fanfiction and gave it a quick proofread. No real changes though.


End file.
